No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”


Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.


In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.


I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.


What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.


The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”


After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.