No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me sliding into hell like
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The only equipped I am is ill.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.