No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
kids play hide and seek like
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞