No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it