No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite