No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.