@JohnLyonTweets

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

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@HaliPhacks

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@mamatomy3

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

@HavocMantis

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

@mom_tho

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

@Staggfilms

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

@ChefRonSullivan

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …