No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
You Might Also Like
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
There are no pants in heaven.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up