NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
For anyone who needs this today
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice