No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…