NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?