No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Well well well…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
even bears disappoint their mothers
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.