No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Those are good neighbors.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*