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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
thank god
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.