No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda