“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work