No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.