No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I saw this ending much differently.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.