No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

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“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.


Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.


3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.


All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.


I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.


Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill


Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.


Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”