No laws when master is gone
You Might Also Like
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane