No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
do u think theres a butter planet?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]