No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
yeah 😭
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
they split up moments later
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”