No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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Never forget.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
me, too, girl. me, too.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?