@liberaldogsays

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

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@ch000ch

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

@Reverend_Scott

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

@YoungNobler

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

@alexbell

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

@IchBins_SN

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.