No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

You Might Also Like


i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles


Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.


the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”


My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster


I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂



ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]


It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.


when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud


I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.