No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
A ghost story
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours