No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber