NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.