No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.


Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.


Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.


my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there


Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL


[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?