No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You Might Also Like
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them