No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
sensitive skin
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense