No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.