no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You are what you delete.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job