No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*