No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Uh oh…
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
pictures of spider-man
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.