No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.


Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*


My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.


what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.


For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.


“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.



Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.


Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.