No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”