No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?