No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Battery falling down a hole
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle