No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
😲 WTF? 😆
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog