No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice