No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!