No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.