No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Ironic
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.