“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄