No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
his wife is probably gonna see that
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”