no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.


In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’


I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches


[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?


One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.


Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.


Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone