No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.