“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.