No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing