@RocketRankoon

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

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@careworn

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@Book_Krazy

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

@StephenAtHome

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@hibbary

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them