No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The Compass
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!