@WetMascara

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

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@SavageDabs69

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@UncleDuke1969

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

@Y2SHAF

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

@_SingleBabyMama

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.