No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Thinking about Jeff
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack