No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You Might Also Like
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.