No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
#JohnTravolta
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?