No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
United Steaks of America
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.