“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
never forget
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?