“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?