No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Fries, not lies.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.